Bathtub Philosopher

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHvsdsNzV4E

The Bathtub Philosopher reviews the new show "Dating In The Dark."

What I'm doing...

As I sit here, one of my cats is trying to get me to make love to her. She’s in heat and for some reason she has decided that I’m the most masculine person in the house. I suppose she’s right. I’m more masculine than my wife and I think I’m more masculine than my step-son. No, I know I am! Our only male cat is sitting across the room from her teasing her with his useless genitalia. Slowly licking his privates as if to say, “Oh, you want this?” You can’t have it! My female cat, Chocolate loves it when I smack her booty. So that’s what I’m doing. She finally has enough which means that I’ve satisfied her in less time than I satisfy my wife and she runs off. She does some squirming on the floor and then comes over and lays at my feet like a sex slave. She’s looking in the direction of our male cat with a look on her face that says, “Who needs you? This is my man.” My ego is strangely boosted at the thought of this.

Where have I been?!!

It would seem that in the last 6 months I would have something to write about. I'm sure I have, but I've been too preoccupied with trying to make some money to care about comedy. That's not true. I spent some time getting ready for the Chicago Improv Festival in which my sketch comedy group, Soul Fools performed. This is our third year performing in the show and we had a good crowd and a great show. This was right after the first of year. So what's been my excuse since then? Well, lately there hasn't really been anything that tickles my fancy. Mostly I find things irritating or aggravating. I find the fact that the media and Republicans are doing their very best to discredit Barak Obama any way they can ridiculous. Next thing they'll try to say is that he stepped on a crack and broke his mama's back. Just stupid. I find the fact that NASA let a crazy astronaut into their space program asinine. The new crazy test for NASA should be showing them a picture of their lover and their lover's lover and seeing their reaction. If their response is to throw on a wig and a diaper, kick them out of the program...immediately. And now this massacre at Virginia Tech. Seriously, the dude practically had crazy tattooed on his forehead. Why didn't the men in white coats come and get him? Stupid! I'm just not laughing much these days because there's too much stupid stuff going on. Go figure.

Mumbo jumbo

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I'm K-fed up!

For all of you 20 something and up adults out there who may not have been aware, the Teen Choice Awards were televised the other day on FOX. If any of you have kids able to speak in coherent sentences then you probably didn't see them for the three hours they were in front of the television, but I'm sure you heard their squeals. Apparently, the big attraction of the night was Kevin Federline closing the show and being introduced by his trailer ho, Britney Spears. Only someone who hasn't gone through puberty could possibly find this exciting. Anyway, even my pre-teen wasn't interested in this broadcast so that's got to tell you something.

I was reading the news as I do everyday on MSN.com and I saw something about Kevin Federline being mocked by the hip-hop community. I figured they were mocking him because of the fact that he left his pregnant girlfriend for Britney Spears. Even in the hip-hop community where there all kinds of baby mamas out there that's cold. No, I read that they were mocking him because of his performance. So my wife who was reading over my shoulder said, "Oh, we've GOT to see this!" I concurred. We immediately went to Youtube.com and found the footage of K-Fed's (his hip-hop stage name) performance.

It looked like a performance by an amateur musician who won a contest to perform on the Teen Choice Awards. And really I'm not just saying this, but it is the worst performance I have ever seen by anyone in my life and that includes William Hung. It was so bad that Vanilla Ice said, "I'm making a comeback!" The Taliban called off another proposed attack on the US because that performance already bombed. Ashley Simpson sent him a thank you note because it made her SNL flub look like a grammy winning performance.

It just further proves that if you are married to someone with money or have money yourself, you can do whatever the fuck you want to. OK, after this can we now stop giving these people the media time that we give them? Can we please only report on them when one of them dies? I don't really care about Britney and her babies, or Kevin and his partying or anyone else in these Hollywood circles. They seem to be a ubiquitous part of our culture like herpes. And we keep infecting our youth with this stupidity. It's really no wonder that America is so dumded down which I've already bitched about before so don't get me started...

Who Wants To Be A Loser?

Apparently this is what I am since I tried out for "Millionaire" today, but did not pass the test. I'm really not sure how I couldn't have passed because I felt really good about it. I knew the majority of the answers. I'm baffled. What's worse is I had to file out with the other people who you could just look at and tell that they weren't going to make it. I HATE being lumped together with the short man and his bad toupee and the leather dude with the handlebar mustache. I'm not saying that you can't be into leather AND have a brain. I'm just saying that this dude with the blank stare was obviously not going to make it on the show.

Then of course there are those folks that no matter what score they got are not going to be allowed on the show. I really don't want to talk badly about people, but let's face it, you can be a nerd and be on a game show, but you can't be ugly! Have you ever seen an ugly person on a game show? And no, I don't mean in the audience at The Price Is Right because there are plenty of ugly people out there and never hear the announcer dude call them down. It'd be embarrassing. "Would 'insert the name of an ugly person you know here' come on down!" You are the next...whoa, wait a second...I'm sorry there must be some mistake. I think I misread the card. They told me to always wear my glasses. Here they are...Yes, of course, "Would 'insert the name of a not so ugly person you know here' come on down!" They couldn't do that because the person would always wonder if it was their appearance that made them recall their name like a Dell laptop battery. And that would make them feel like a loser. Well, they'd be welcome to join the club.

I'll never fly again!

I woke up this morning to some disturbing news. Not only is Tori Spelling getting shut out of the Emmy's by her mother, but there was a terrorist plot thwarted by the British. It was however comforting to know that at least the British are still on our side whereas a lot of other countries might have just said, "You're going to the US...eh, all aboard." At least another bloodbath was stopped. But what does this mean for flying? It means that they've expanded the list of things that we aren't going to be allowed to take onboard. Since the terrorists were using some kind of liquid explosive, now we can't take any type of gels or liquids on airplanes. What?! No hair gel?!! No one from Hollywood will ever fly again.

I remember back in 1999, an airport security guy closely examined my dental rinse. Now this was before 9/11, but apparently this guy had foresight and thought that I might be planning to blow up the Sears Tower. I'm sure I looked suspicious with my leis and coconuts.

Wouldn't that make sense? If you're going to be a terrorist, don't look like one. Every time I see one of these guys, I think to myself, "Yeah, I'd strip search this guy." Most of them have that terrorist scowl and are wearing not tourist-y clothes, but terrorist-y clothes. Not that I want to give the terrorists any ideas, but I bet they might get further in their plots if they looked like Eugene Simkins from Portland, OR instead of Muhammad Al-Qilya.

I'm really scared because soon the only way we'll be able to fly is naked. We'll have to send our luggage ahead of time on cargo planes, show up to the airport in a robe and then strip down to our birthday suits and board the plane. Tickets to anyplace will be dirt cheap because no one wants to sit next to a fat, naked executive from NY to LA. Hot chicks will be able to fly for free because that's the only way some men will get on a plane naked. They'll have all female flights where during the flight they'll watch Oprah and Dr. Phil and talk about cellulite. It may not be so bad except that I think it would take more than August's Playmate to get me to ride next to a naked Rush Limbaugh.

Maybe I'll just ride my bike...

*Note: Jay Leno did a joke about naked people being in line to board flight. Let it be known that I made this post BEFORE the Tonght Show came on.

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