jamie black comedy

The comedy musings of actor/comedian Jamie Black

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Location: Chicago, IL

I am an actor/comedian, husband, father and lover. I'm learning to be a risk taker. I am an imperfect person embracing the adventure of successes and failures.

Monday, July 31, 2006

What more could you want?

I am about to leave LA and head back to Chicago. The fateful day is only 2 days away. I'm feeling rather melancholy. It's been quite an adventure here. I lost a good friend, but I've made so many more. I will miss all of them. I'm looking forward to getting back together with my family though. I've already mentioned the fact that LA is full of crazy people. No need to go further into that; just drive around LA for awhile and you'll see I tell the truth. As you're driving you will also notice that LA is full of donuts and porn. Donuts and porn. Why so much donuts and porn? Porn I can understand. In a city that thrives on rejecting even some of the most talented of actors, the natural thing to do is to make a porno. That'll show you, Steven Spielberg! I'm not saying that all rejected actors turn to porn. You can see a lot of them performing on Hollywood Blvd. Others just brought you your latte or the daily special. However, for a good deal of those low self-esteemers, all they needed was one more "Thank you. We'll be in touch" for them to run to the nearest suspect casting couch, lie down, spread their legs (or drop trau as the case may be) and enter the world of (fake) orgasms. Oh, c'mon! You didn't really think all of those orgasms are real, did you? Everything is fake in Hollywood!

Which brings us to the donuts. Why so many donut shops in LA? This is a city of plastic. I swear with the latest heat wave, I've seen more droopy chests than at an old folks home! Several women were walking around with those personal air conditioners to keep their faces from melting. It's hot! Everyone is so image conscience that I can't believe that the donut industry has obviously been able to thrive here. I would think that the donut shops would be replaced with juice bars and drive through plastic surgery facilities. Oh, believe me, if they could do drive through plastic surgery here, they would! All I know is that when I come back to LA next year and I get rejected by, oh I won't mention any names, let's just say every director in Hollywood, I may not star in the next Butt Pirates of the Caribbean, but I'll be able to gorge myself into a sugar coma on glazed donuts...

Hollywood Mega Store . com

Saturday, July 29, 2006

How much dumber can we get?

It's no wonder the world makes fun of us. We act like girls who try to make themselves look dumb so boys will like them. We do stupid stuff so the world will be our friend. I'm only assuming that that's what we're doing because the more I look around at what's on television and in the newspaper, it's the only thing that makes sense to me. Otherwise, why on earth would we spend 3 days talking about Connie Chung singing? Yes, I said 3 days. Now, I fully expected those late night guys to jump on the story because that's their job. The story is stupid fluff and right up their alley in terms of things to talk about. I also expected my morning and nightly news teams to mention it, notice how I say MENTION it, not report on it. It's not news! But for 2 days after the initial day of reporting, they were still talking about it. I have seen less news coverage on a child of color that has been abducted. Think I'm kidding? I wish I were. Think about how many extended news coverage stories you see about missing or abducted children of color. Then think about the Elizabeth Smart's, or Jon Benet Ramsey's or that Holloway chick that the news endlessly reports on night after night. Do you mean to tell me that there aren't ANY missing children of color out there? Only the blonde haired white girls are coming up missing? I find that very hard to believe, but then it doesn't surprise me. I guess we really indentify with them because we are trying to act like them. This is a country in which we talk about whether or not Superman is gay. No, not as part of a funny segment on a late night talk show or as a sketch on Mad TV or SNL, but as an actual serious program where 2 more people actual discuss and debate whether or not a fictitious character is gay! We have nothing else to talk about except whether or not Superman is gay? Are you serious?! How about we talk about why there are so many homeless in this country of excess? How about we talk about why people of color are more likely to be searched when pulled over? Speaking of which, I got lost one night in Beverly Hills and was pulled over by the police. After they let me go, I wondered, Why in the hpatrollinghey patroling Beverly Hills? Are they afraid Muffy and Buffy might have a shoot out over who's prettier? Why don't the police patrol where there's crime. I bet they'd catch a lot more criminals if they concentrated their efforts of patrol in high crime areas.

It amazes me that the police can't figure out who the drug dealers are. I know who the drug dealers are. Why aren't they pulling over that 19 year old driving a Mercedes Benz, but doesn't have a job. There's your drug dealer. Me in my Saturn, probably not.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Listen to me!

this is an audio post - click to play

Too many crazy folks!

I will be leaving LA at the beginning of August and heading back to Chicago. Now I have to admit that up until 6 months ago, Chicago was the biggest city that I had ever lived in. LA is big and expensive...and full of crazy folks. I though that there were crazy people in Chicago, but ooowee! Chicago ain't got nothin' on LA. I saw things that made me sound crazy when I was describing them. And I'm happy to say that most of the crazy people are white!

I have never been afraid of the crazy people in Chicago. Most of them just have conversations with people that I can't see. I can hear their conversations and sometimes I agree with them. They gotta point. I'm OK with them because I can understand every word. A lot of the crazy people in LA though don't speak any English. Now that scares me because I don't know what they're saying. What if they're pissed off at me? I won't know 'cause they're speaking Russian or some other already scary language. And then I end up dead in a shopping cart on Sunset Blvd. No, no. I need to go back to Chicago our crazy people speak English and our mobsters speak Russian.